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Big Brother Australia - Dance Music Edition (Part One)

Author: TranZfusion
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
While the Big Brother Australia juggernaut continues to both unite and divide a nation with the constant pissing and moaning antics of housemates like Emma and the emotional Rebecca (Jesus, she sure does cry a lot), we here at TranZfusion thought it'd be cool if we actually put people that matter into a house to watch fireworks explode before our very monitors.

What if some of the world's greatest producers and DJs were forced to the confines of a house just a little to the southeast of Melbourne, Australia-

The following article sets about who we think would be swell for the house. We think we have every housemate covered from this year in some way or another, so have a bit of a looksee.


Derrick May - Here by default. Is known to have a bitch or two and is probably sick of having to explain himself over and over again for that record. Has a massive chip on his shoulder, is cynical about where dance music has headed and is generally just angry. It'd be rude not to have him in here.

Dave Clarke - Read: Derrick May, but he's British and white.

Paul Van Dyk - Nobody bitches more about pigeonholing more than Mr Number One Trance DJ. In fact, he's so good at moaning, he's literally pigeonholed himself as a moaner. Don't know if he ever did anything really good for the music scene, but he's well known and is here because he'll make Derrick angry.

Timo Maas - If anything needed a 'whomp' or a fat kick in the pants, Timo's the man. The best part about having him in the house is the fact he has two other blokes doing everything for him. All Timo has to do is pretend he's active while Team Maas takes care of the rest.

Sven Vath - There probably hasn't been a crazier German in the history of the world. Okay, so maybe he's the second craziest German ever, but he's done just about everything there is for the world of electronic music…we mean just about everything. Here because he's going to make the population go wild.

Sasha & John Digweed - The house always needs those two people who are really a duo in real life. Together, the boys must disguise their unsung love for one another through a specific set of instructions as imposed by Big Brother. The 'Andrew and Hayley' of the house.

Felix Da Housecat - Hasn't done much, really. Has some funky hair and wears crappy oversized glasses, but had a massive hit with Silver Screen. Okay, after reading, he's done a lot, but his only massive hit was Silver Screen. Here primarily because of the oversized glasses.

Tiesto - Honestly, it just wouldn't be fair of us if we didn't include the fairy-floss pants the Dutch oven of Trance. We could've invited just about every other bloody Dutch DJ, but meh. He's only here as a token.

Carl Cox - It's his place in Franga that's hosting the event, so we're putting him in the house so he doesn't get pissy about the fact he can't join in. We hear he's a bit of alright, so we're hoping he'll do more than just piss and moan about broken things.

Paul Oakenfold - Once upon a time, he was well revered within electronic music circles, but has since become a bit of a wank with the wank hair and the wank tunes. In, because he'll wank lots.

Bob Sinclar - World, hold on! Here comes the French house master (hahahahahaha). Not worth more than two sentences.

Goldie - Yeah, he's up there with Sven Vath when it comes to whacky people, so we thought we'd balance out the whacky with whacky. The result- Well, we know it's going to be whacky. He also does good drum 'n' bass stuff.

Fatboy Slim - Is one of the luckier housemates with the fact he has many disguises when it comes to music production. One day he's Fatboy, the next day he's a Buckethead and when he's really mean, he's Pizzaman. You go, Normie!

Portia Surreal - Knockers, knockers, knockers, knockers, knockers, knoc