TF Archives

Chew the Fat

Author: Fatmail
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Too Fat and Too OlD

As we waddled into the office today, we suddenly realized that Fat's 9th birthday was fast approaching. And what a nine years it has been. We've come so very far from humble beginnings in 1996, when we burst onto the scene playing offensively banal dance music to crowds of undiscerning drug casualties. Now we're older
and wiser, the girls aren't attracted to us any more, and even we can't stand the music we play. But that doesn't stop us from making an absolute killing by flogging our records all around the world.

And so here we are, back again, the music industry's least favourite column. More bitter than a Scottish housewife sucking a lemon and twice as depressing, we've been wheeled out again to regurgitate a torrent of bile into your inbox, as ever, clinging on the vain hope that your loathing for us will translate into record sales. And by Jiminy F*ck how we need them now more than ever.

In other news…
Australians have been in mourning the loss of a national hero… Friendly. News that no one's seen him for months shocked his fellow countrymen, and stunned the Aussie breakbeat community, who'd never even heard of him in the first place. If anyone spots him, please contact Crimestoppers and have him arrested before he gets on the decks again.

Paul trouble has been on his DJ travels spreading shame to the global breaks twaternity. The month started well when a Barcelona gig got cancelled due to Paul Arnold's priapism causing a minor incident on La Ramblas.

More recently, Arnold stunned the geniuses behind London's TDK festival by refusing to play. Early reports suggest the wrong hair products had been included on his rider, upsetting the delicate balance of the Fat boss's fragile psyche.

If anyone wishes to book Paul, or any other Fat DJ, for a no show appearance or pre-cancelled gigs, please contact the Fat DJ agency, who can offer very competitive rates.

Now, please, read on, for all the information you never wanted…

/////////////// Chew the fat at The End Friday 8th September -That's Tonight /////////////

The f*cking Australians are back in town again, and far too soon for my liking. Everywhere you turn these days there seems to be some cockfaced, whining Antipodean strap-on talking too loudly and placing a toe-curlingly irritating raised intonation on the last few words of each sentence. If you own a combine harvester, and would like to drive it through dozens of assembled Australian breakbeat DJs and fans, killing indiscriminately over a
30 foot radius, you may wish to head for The End this Friday.

Here are just some of the people you might expect to chop into millions of tiny fleshy pieces:

Pendulum (Breaks Set)
Pendulum need little introduction - so we won't give them one. But if you're one of the many socially retarded laptop w*nkmonkeys who lives on My Space you can find them there:

The Rogue Element
First coming to mass attention with his debut turd Rogue Rock in 2005, The Rogue (aka Ben Medcalf) went on to win Breakthrough Prat of the Year at Breakspoll 2006. Add to this a string of 12"s and remixes with long-time production partner Tom Reak, and you have a man who is being tipped by many as being completely forgotten by this time next year. You can find out more, somewhere.

Vlad Sokolov - Perestroika Album Launch Party
From Russia with Love, Vlad invites you to impale yourself on his purple scabbard of funk as he launches his debut ejaculation into the great big melting pot of breakbeat spunk. For God's sake, try not to swallow.

Troubled Minds
Already causing mild excitement for their weekly show on Vibe FM, these boys are about to get a whole lot more tumescent with Paul Arnold standing proudly erect behind them.

Not forgetting those pooper-troopers Paul 'Troub