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10 great things about being a King St bouncer

Author: Bingo Trout
Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Bouncers are so hot right now.

With the introduction of Melbourne's new kneejerk licensing laws, security surrounding the CBD's copious nightclubs has been under increased scrutiny of late.

And this week a monkey with a badge was photographed kicking the breakfast out of a couple of King Street pissheads, as they lay motionless in the gutter wishing they hadn't left McDonalds.

But why does anyone want to hang outside a shitty club at 4am, while wearing the ever-popular Dimmy's-Chic look and getting paid $15 an hour-

Well I'll tell you why--" align=left>

1. No neck pain-..ever
That's right. With the bottom of your head attached directly to your shoulders, your life will be free of neck injuries, sore throats and shirts with big collars." align=left>2. Fifteen minutes of fame
It's easy to punch your way onto the front page of the Sun when you're a bouncer. Kill someone and you'll be a star for weeks." align=left>3. Salary
Alright, maybe not from your employer, but certainly from all the wasted teenagers who give you their grant money in exchange for a bag of questionable pills you got from your mate Fat Tony." align=left>4. Boxercise
Boxing itself can have its dangers, but using a skinny drunk for punching practice will keep you in shape without the need to fight fairly." align=left>

5. Chicks
All girls would love to have sex with one of the oversized  door monkeys, particularly after they have  crushed a rowie into her Malibu and Coke. How romantic." align=left>6. Counters
It's hard to work out crowd numbers when you've had a broken bottle wedged in the side of your head, so bouncers are issued with wind up calculators. they can count to 21 without getting undressed." align=left>

7. Camaraderie
I personally find it hard to bond with murderers. But once you've maimed a few students and maybe killed a sports star, the offers of beer and steroids just roll in the door." align=left>8. Power
Who needs the power of thought when you have fists like shovels and a head like a bag of cement- Smashing stuff is great." align=left>9. Getting smashed
What other career rewards you for getting drunk and starting unnecessary fights in the workplace- OK, apart from politics and parenthood." align=left>10. Prospects
Become a bouncer and you'll never have to worry about you future again. That's because you either don't have one, or are likely to spend it sewing mailbags and getting raped.