Hardcore Party Girls Threaten Brit Blokes' Sexual Orientation

So many British females are at risk of dying young due to increased stress levels, binge drinking and drug use, that older men might have to turn to each other to maintain active sex lives, the Times reported this week.

"Could I suggest that one way forward might be for all men over the age of 60 to go gay and take it in turns to be each other's bitch," said Times correspondent Caitlin Moran.

"It's either that or relieving your poor overworked wives' burden by learning how to empty the bathroom bin in a while."

In even more ominous news for men, Britain's increasingly serious obesity problem could lead to more boys being born than girls, scientists from Glasgow University revealed this week.

According to the experts fat couples are 6% more likely to give birth to boys than girls, threatening an even greater future imbalance between numbers of men and women. In even worse news, the growing obesity epidemic means women are becoming increasingly manly, the Standard reported.

"We are going to have slightly more masculine-looking women in future," warned the curiously named Professor Mike Lean.

"The situation is getting worse."

Single men keen to embrace their future could check out Beyond and Salvation's joint after hours event next weekend (6 July, 4.30am), which promises to be London's 'biggest Sunday muscle tea dance experience'. Steve Pitron, Luke Hope and the Sharp Boys DJ at the Club Colosseum bash and revellers should expect 'a throng of hot musical muscle action," say the promoters.
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